Why Not Me??

Last night while chatting with a friend, I got to know that I have been the member of FOSLA ever since high school! Frustrated One Sided Lovers' Association - in short FOSLA! I'm not here to mope and cry about my heartbreak. But I do want to let people know, that it's okay and they are not alone. I mean literally, there's a whole damn association full of people with the same heartaches!

Now that I look back at those petty high school years, I feel embarrassed of all the stupid things I did when I thought I was in "love" and that "he" was the "one" I was meant to be with! It wasn't that bad actually. I looked forward to seeing him every single chance I got. Throughout the week I would patiently wait for the weekend and would never miss a single chance to attend my weekend tuition classes! Every night I would pray to God, "Please! Please make him sit beside me!" Desperately I tried to engage him in conversations and tried to charm him with my words because that's all I had! I felt my ears burning whenever he complimented me or agreed that I was funny and nice to talk to. But in the end of the day he would pursue the tall skinny girls with the perfect hair and  the smooth skin, the ones who looked like they had hopped out of the cover of fashion magazines!

Songs like "Why not me" and "Teardrops on my Guitar" became my daily anthems. All day long I dreamt about him, hoping that one fine morning he would wake up and realize how madly he was in love with me, or while going about his daily schedule a sudden realization as to how incomplete he is without me would dawn on him. It never happened. Obviously! I ended up becoming a pathetic ghost of my former self as the desperation and frustration gnawed at me from all sides. I started emitting negativity and only attracted sympathy, even from my friends. Then one day finally I told him how I felt. It was a disaster! I wondered whether I even wanted him. I mean, how well did I know him at all. Was it love or just my weakness for a "pretty" face? After voicing my feelings, the relief was so great that I felt that all the time I wasted wasn't worth it! He was an amazing guy, but that's all! There was never a "connection".

I have changed now, hopefully for the better. My "failure" taught me a lot of lessons. It's okay to have an infatuation but this doesn't mean that the other person is bound to reciprocate the same feelings. What is important is the ability to accept that the "imaginary relationship" isn't working out; it never has and never will. What is important is the strength to move on without looking back, to live and let live.

Oh Bondage, Up Yours...

This blog post of mine isn't due till Friday but some incidents need to be recorded sooner than later. Eve-teasing, cat-calling, whatever name you call it by, reached a whole new dimension for my three friends and I on the auspicious day of Saraswati Puja. Manali, Preeti, Sreshtha* and I had just had a sumptuous lunch at a restaurant and were headed to Manali’s house for the very first time ever. That is when it all started.

Like any other bunch of young bubbly ladies we were giggling away, enjoying our first Toto ride. Manali and Preeti looked gorgeous in their beautiful saris and half sleeved blouses. Sreshtha and I wore lovely leggings and kurti which I personally teamed up with a hideous hoodie that I wear pretty much everywhere. All of a sudden we noticed a bike with three helmet-less riders screaming out something to us! At first I thought maybe they were someone Manali knew but then we realized something was wrong when the foremost rider started passing obscene remarks at all of us. Loudly he discussed with his co riders about how “delicious” we looked! Our stern faces only heated up their enthusiasm till I called out, “12Y 8059”** loud and clear. For a moment their expressions flickered and they went past us and we thought they won’t bother us again.

Then at a turning we saw them waiting on their bike. They jeered at us as our vehicle passed them and we thought it was over. And then, out of the blue, they returned, more zealous than before. Two bikes, not one; six men, not three. They made insulting remarks and casually discussed loudly among themselves how they intended to share four trophies among the six of them! Manali knew that if they persisted they’ll get beaten up by the people in her locality, which was just another couple of minutes away. But I was there for the first time and ignorance wasn't bliss! I didn't know how long this would continue and how long they would keep their dirty paws to themselves! It seemed as if our driver had deliberately slowed down our vehicle as he sat their unperturbed and mum. Finally, Manali called up her mother. Seeing her on the phone, our pursuers left.

I wasn't alone, my friends were with me. Our clothes were anything but “provoking”.  Yet, we had to go through this turmoil which temporarily spoiled our mood. The humiliation and feeling of helplessness was so strong that I could feel my nose starting to ache as drops of anger tried to make its way out of my eyes. But I didn't cry- none of us did. We weren't going to let these perverts ruin our evening. What remained was the feeling that we should do something about these future rapists, the question was what.

*The names of my friends have been changed.
**This is the actual license plate number of our pursuers

Teacher Teacher

I have been been a private tutor for kids for some time now and it has given me the opportunity to meet and interact with some wonderful people. These little people usually call me "ma'am". Even though I am responsible for teaching them, occasionally they also teach me lesson or two. They fill my life with joy and stress at the same time.

There are a couple of things that I have found similar in all my students. They love to brag. They'll speak about their day at school as if it were a gruesome day at a battlefield  far away, where they had fought against the injustice their school teachers had thrust on them and had eventually emerged victorious. Their school teachers end up being the biggest villains in their lives for the simple act of setting homework and tests. Ask them their favorite class and they'll promptly mention music, dance, sports or art! It's adorable how they loathe me when I put a stop to all their chatter and make them look at their books. Every time we take a break between lessons, each and every student of mine starts mimicking their subject teachers at school and well they do an amazing job! They'll all complain to me about how heartlessly their teachers took them to their respective principals' office after they committed some tiny little act of mischief.

One of my students was a kid who didn't know basic calculations and I had to teach him how to add at least four times before I decided that I wasn't the "One" for him. Another one of my kids always turned up late and the excuses she made could give any creative writer a run for her money - "There was a tiny puppy on the way" she said one evening in November, a time of the year when the breeding season was long over and all the pups had outgrown their cuteness. Another student of mine never prepared his lessons and when quizzed he would put up an act of misfortune, as if he just read the chapter before coming over, but now he couldn't recall it. A boy whose house I go to for tutoring comes up with the weirdest excuses to prevent me from teaching - "My dog tore the book into pieces" he'll say with a sad face till I persuade him and he finally brings out the book intact. In fact one evening he brought his dog into the room and jumped all over the room with it till they knocked over and demolished a glass full of juice and his father's prized Trophy!

My students make me go through a range of emotions every time. I enjoy the time I spend with them as it takes me back to the nuances of schooldays. Handling these hooligans gives me joy, especially when they give me the exact answers I expect them to and I know if I can go through this, I can handle any damn storm if it ever comes to it. I love them for being so real and being themselves.

I'll Be There For You

Friends are a huge necessity of life. They fill our lives with joy. We do not have a say in who our parents, uncles, siblings or cousins will be. But friends are the family we choose for ourselves and if chosen wisely they are among the biggest assets a person can have. Our family is usually bound  to us by blood and has to be there for us irrespective of circumstance. But true friends are the ones who chooses to stand by us even if they do not have to.

I being a reserved person have a hard time making new friends. As a result I do not have many friends. But the few I do have, means the world to me and I hope I too am that special for them because now I am going to classify them into various types.

• The Yogi Friend : No! This friend doesn't necessarily practice yoga but have a very calm and philosophical approach to life. Give them a chance to talk and they'll venture into their idealistic notion of how the perfect world should be and at times I do feel like shoving a sock into their mouth to shut them up, but in the end they are the one I go to for advice and they are the voice in my head when I need to make a decision.
• The Virgin Love Guru Friend : I think lots of people have that one friend who has never been in any kind of committed relationship ever. Yet, when one needs relationship advice, they are the ones who will start dispensing the duties of a 'Love Guru' and on listening to them the first question that strikes us is, "Hello? If you know so much how come you've never dated anyone?"
• The Douche Bag Friend : Yes, this person is a big time Douche Bag, probably not to us but definitely to everyone else. Other people consider this person an arrogant snob and at the same time wonder how the two of us are even friends! But we all know that in spite of the careless tough exterior this friend has a huge heart and loves us immensely.
• The Fair Weather Friend : They are the friends who I am not constantly in contact with. "Are they studying?" NO IDEA! "Where do they work?" HOW SHOULD I KNOW? "Are they dating?" BEATS ME! Yet when we meet them after a long time, our lives enter the wonderful spring where we went our separate ways and we both know that we don't need to be in constant touch to love each other.

Yes, there are various kinds of friends and these classifications are just a tiny fraction of their versatile natures. But I do love them all dearly, just the way they are and I do not ever wish them to change. And yes, I'll be there for them whenever they need me.

Do It Like A Dude

I have been wondering what to write about this week until a forward in a group chat caught my eye. A male friend of mine had posted a poem about the kind of girlfriend he desired and boy was he specific! Starting from her height, weight and skin tone to her likes, dislikes, talents and hobbies, he specified every single detail of his notion of the perfect girlfriend; and giving him a befitting reply awakened the feminist in me.

I believe every woman is a feminist at heart. But feminism, according to me, isn't just a female issue. For example, whenever there is a discussion of racism, most “white” people turn a deaf ear to it imagining it’s not about them, when in reality they are the very reason racism exists. Similarly, feminism isn't just about women but also about men. How men treat women, support their causes, stand beside them, respect them and so on, is in fact the proof of a man’s true strength. Men are by default physically stronger than women. Desperately trying to prove it only establishes their immaturity and incapacity. Men are not meant to rule over the world, neither are women. Instead, men – women and others are supposed to coexist peacefully as equals.

In my short life and limited experience I haven't ever been the victim of gender inequality, except when I'm travelling alone. I'm pretty sure men do not have to worry about things like pepper spray or random strangers elbowing them in the chest on crowded roads, or lechers pressing against them from behind on crowded buses and metros, or perverts flashing at them. Women shouldn't have to constantly worry about these things either. But are we left with a choice? Some of the times when I have objected to such misbehaviour, co passengers have turned against me calling me a liar. Rest of the times they watched silently as I argued and insulted my tormentor. But never ever has anyone come to my rescue! I shouldn't have to worry about my safety every time I step out.

At times it feels like gender equality is just a female fantasy that will come true the day pigs fly. Can a woman ever be entirely safe? I know I sound really clichéd but whatever I wrote, I wrote from experience and although it has absolutely no relation with the introduction of this specific post, this is something I have wanted to express from a very long time. Every woman is a feminist, there's nothing unusual about that! What we need are more and more male feminists and only then equality can be achieved.

My Happy Ending

We just moved into 2015 and I can’t wait to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the past year. However, it’s going to take a while to let go of the wonderful 2014. It has been the best year of my life ever! It gave me so much happiness, so much trouble, so much love and bitterness that probably I will carry it forever in my heart. I mean is it ever entirely possible to let go off the past? I don’t think so...

I’m pretty sure, a year ago, my 2014 also started with a very determined set of resolutions – resolutions which I don’t even remember anymore. Hence there’s no way to tell whether I achieved them or not. But, I did achieve a lot of things which I probably didn't even plan to; things which will stay with me till the end. To start with, I met lots of new people. Some of them ended up being friends, some remained acquaintances and a very few I decided to keep a safe distance from. Some friendships matured and grew into stronger bonds while some went bitter and remained incomplete. But in the end I ended up with a group of people who I truly care about.

2014 gave me something I have never had before - self confidence. I never knew that a good haircut could actually give life a whole different dimension. Suddenly my Facebook profile was flooding with friend requests from handsome men! Who wouldn't want that? For the first time in my life people called me ‘pretty’. For the first time ever I got asked out. And for the first time ever I felt wanted, I felt desirable. Oh the wonders these little things do to boost self esteem! I also found out what people thought of me earlier and it wasn't bad either! Apparently my cheerful nature oozes positivism thus making me seem very welcoming. Hence, I ended up becoming the shoulder friends need every now and then to take a break from their lives. I actually enjoyed being the friend in need or the go-to girl for troubled souls.

The past year was wonderful and ended on a very happy note. Yes, there were losses, heartbreaks and some lessons learnt for life. But, it was my happy ending, the ending which marked the beginning of yet another dynamic year to come. I am prepared to take on the new responsibilities and challenges and I hope the year ahead is also packed with adventures, love, success and most importantly friendship. With arms wide open I welcome 2015.